May 31, 2013

Best of May Metal Memes

Shit You Can't Do - Shred Guthrie Govan's "Fives" Like This 12-Year Old

Either I feel like a huge parenting failure or I have a lot of work ahead of me.
One dad sure did his homework as evidenced by his 12-year old son's guitar playing abilities.
Check out Michael Hermes as he shreds away in his version of Guthrie Govan's "Fives".

Slayer - Seasons In The Abyss - Guitar Percussion Cover

This is pretty cool until you get to Richard Cheese lounge vocals.

Black Eggs, Black Metal

Negru, drummer for Negura Bunget has submitted a home breakfast recipe to a Polish cooking website for a series called "Cooking Rocks." I don't know if it's just bad internet translation, but it calls for "black salt." Seems appropriate somehow.

Metal (Has Been) Legends Trading Cards

Topps is well known for making baseball trading cards for many decades, and now have also added a series of "metal" cards as well. AI think they should be sticking to producing cards of pitchers, catchers, shortstops and those Hannibal Lecter looking dudes with those masks on. Their knowledge of metal is not worth the ink they're printing these cards on.

If they're trying to get the young jocks into metal, they're going to have to try a bit harder, not just dusting off names of 80s performers who are vastly in retirement-mode as Topps have included such "legends" as Lita Ford, Sebastian Bach and Bobbie Brown (the chick in Warrant's 'Cherry Pie' video). WTF?! Seven others appear in this pack, and while the names of Dee Snider and and Scott Ian might be acceptable, the vastly young baseball crowd will scratch their heads and balls with such novelties as Kip Winger and Reb Beach (both from Winger),  Ratt's Stephen Pearcy or Tommy Lee.

Hey, Scott Ian is really pumped about this:
"I was definitely excited, I collected cards as a kid and years ago, in the late '80s, they did these rock cards and I thought that was cool, but to find out I had an actual Topps card, the only way I can describe it is like going from the minors to the majors. I finally made it to the big show."

May 30, 2013

Satan takes the bus

May 25, 2013

Best of Black Metal Girls (NSFW edition)

It's a good think it's a weekend or your boss would be storming into your cubicle in about 10 seconds.
These photos have been hand picked by TrueMetalhead, but you can find a lot more (some even a bit tamer) at Black Metal Girls facebook page.

May 23, 2013

91-Year-Old Actor Christopher Lee is More Metal than Metallica

I know, this is such an obvious statement, it shouldn't need to be disclosed. Just his appearance in Lord of the Rings trilogy makes him more metal than the trash of Load, Reload, Preload or St. Anger from the former thrash metal titans.

On May 27th, Christopher Lee will release "Charlemagne: The Omens of Death", which also falls on his 91st birthday.

Although this is only his second release, he has been helping out and making guest appearances on various albums for years.

The follow up to his 2010 "Charlemagne: By the Sword and the Cross" already sounds promising (watch video below) and FAR less pretentious than that god awful shitstain called Lulu.

In the video below Christopher talks about metal, and there is even a short appearance of Tony Iommi.
Much respect to both.

May 22, 2013

Shit You Can't Do - Eruption Guitar Cover

I'm sure you have many talents, some more or less unimpressive, but I doubt you can play guitar as well as Eddie Van Halen can. Wait a fuckin' minute. This is not EVH! This is a 14-year-old girl!!!
Not that is impressive.

May 20, 2013

Old School iPot

May 18, 2013

New Batch of Metalhead Crayons

May 16, 2013

Kisser is a Master of Children's Puppet Show

Blabbermouth reports that Sepultura guitarist Andreas Kisser made a guest appearance on the April 15 episode of "Cocoricó", a Brazilian children's puppet show which airs on TV Cultura and TV Rá-Tim-Bum. You can watch Andreas talk thrash with the puppets on the Portuguese-language segment below.
He even plays an instrumental track about Paris Hilton making love in a hotel room at the end of the interview. (At least according to Google-sourced captions I turned on.)

May 14, 2013

Geoff Tate Watches as his Fans Rip the New Queensryche Album Apart

The new Tatesrÿche album "Frequency Unknown" has received a ton of negative press.
In response, a while back, Geoff Tate invited fans to express their opinion about it.

In the video below, Geoff sips on his fairy wine and watches as fans rip him a new asshole.
It's entertaining, and although I have not heard the album, it makes me want to listen to it, just to see how bad it is, but I do remember that the last few releases of Queensrÿche with Tate on vocal were fairly boring and slow.

Now that the saga of two bands called Queesrÿche continues, I really gotta get off my ass and check out both just to compare the two.

May 13, 2013

My GPS is Possessed

I need to share a funny story that happened to me on the way to work this morning.

I was driving in my car when I saw a person holding a large sign with a "50% off" right next to a second hand store called "Value Village". Now, you need to know that I live in Winnipeg, a Bargain Capital of the World. To a Winnipegger nothing screams attention more than a deal like 50% off used underwear or socks. We don't have huge LED signs announcing a sale, but when you see someone holding a large sign like that, your neck snaps.

So there I was, driving and snapping my neck and my instant thought was, CALL WIFE! She needs to know about the sale! So, my car doesn't have a built-in hands-free, but my recently purchased GPS has bluetooth calling. Oh and it's voice activated, because I splurged while saving my Canadian Loonies in used stores.

I haven't used the hands-free option yet, but have recently linked it with my phone book.
I prompted my Garmin to call my wife, by saying "Call Jennifer".

You know instantly that you have a cheap GPS when it mistakes the name and instead replies with "Calling Jeff Becerra". Jeff of course is THE metal legend, frontman of death metal pioneers Possessed, who has unfortunately been paralyzed following a shooting. Jeff and I are facebook friends and since the GPS downloaded my entire phone book, Jeff's number is also on the list.
I quickly yelled at my Garmin "STOP!!!" "QUIT", "CANCEL", I started to panic, I don't know the command I need to use. I quickly tried voice command again and promptly asked it to call my wife by carefully enunciating her name this time.

After a brief moment a voice gets on the Garmin. I thought it was my wife, somewhere between my noisy car and the shitty sound coming out of the crappy speaker, I was sure it was her, but it wasn't. I didn't know this yet, but I was talking to Jeff's sister, girlfriend or wife.

"Hello" - said a voice, which I could barely hear.
"Hey, guess what? They have a 50% sale at Value Village!"
"What?" - I hear back.
"Yeah! - 50% off" - I'm happy to announce.
"What'?" - I could tell that she could not understand me well.
"THEY HAVE A 50% OFF AT VALUE VILLAGE!!!" - now I'm really yelling.
"Fuck, this speaker sucks" - I added.
"I can barely hear you" - was her reply, as I already suspected.
I decided to fiddle with the controls to increase the speaker volume.
"Who is this?" - the girl on the phone says.
"C'MON JEN, IT'S ME, I'M CALLING FROM THE GPS!!!" - I continue to yell.
"What!?!" - she's getting impatient too.
"Who are you looking for?!?" - she said very puzzled.
"Jennifer?" - My voice calmed down imagining I screwed up something badly.
"You've got the wrong number" - she said politely.
"Sorry" - I turned red and hung up.

Then I begun to think about it. I was calling California (very early in the morning, as I am 2 hours ahead) talking to a relative or significant other of someone I truly respect about a 50% sale at Value Village.

May 11, 2013

Earn World's First Heavy Metal College Degree in UK

Wanna study the history of Slayer, Priest or Maiden and produce a film soundtrack inspired by This is Spinal Tap? We all worship metal already, but if you live in United Kingdom, you could earn a degree, after a college launched the UK’s first Heavy Metal Music Performance degree, The Telegraph reports.

The course will encourage students to explore how the actions of heavy metal figures have been censored throughout history, as well as to study how famous heavy metal bands came into being and the relationship of heavy metal to religion and philosophy.

In the second year students will also get the chance to tour Britain playing heavy metal music at concerts, and tutors say the course is about using the city's reputation for music to prepare students for a career in the industry.

Students will get a foundation degree by studying the two year course, which can be topped up to a full BA degree with a further year's study, that will be awarded by Nottingham Trent University, which has accredited the course.

More than 20 students have already signed up for the two-year foundation degree course, which has fees of £5,750 (US $8,800) per year for 2013-14.

Imagine getting a degree in Heavy Metal? You would be the most overqualified roadie out there.

May 10, 2013

Satyricon will Perform with Norwegian National Opera

On September 8th, Satyricon will perform with the Norwegian National Opera Chorus at Den Norske Opera & Ballett in Oslo, Norway.

A press release reads: "Mixing musical modes of expression is always interesting. New sound pictures emerge, and when they are successful, new directions in style and genre are created. What would a mix of heavy metal rockers and singers with operatic training produce? Let's find out! When the internationally renowned heavy metal group Satyricon mix with the voluminous voices of the Norwegian National Opera Chorus, we can expect some thrilling surprises with two such powerful and monumental sound sources and widely divergent modes of expression come together as one. Will it be operatic metal or heavy metal opera? Performed as part of the Ultima Oslo Contemporary Music Festival."

Source: BraveWords

Nickelback Shreds Like a Motherfucker

OMG! I've nearly lost it after only 6 seconds, and then came the magnificent guitars, killer drums and shakespearian lyrics such as "my asshole burns and it's not from spicy food", or "shit stains on my goddamn underpants". Enjoy some Nickelsuck, or what Nickelback sounds like to people who actually like music.

May 8, 2013

Mike Portnoy Literally Goes Through Two Heads in One Show

Ask any drummer how rare it is to damage a bass drum head and he'll probably tell you that he never has. Even if you are a vicious animal behind a kit, chances are you'll need to gain superpowers to bust one up.

Well, Mike Portnoy did it. Not once, but twice. In one night at a single show!!!

Mike stated on his facebook page:
"BIZARRE night here in CA...I went through TWO bass drums heads during the show!!! I've NEVER gone thru one on stage and now tonite TWO? WTF?
And to make matters worse, Jose wasn't with me for this show...our sound man was doubling as drum tech and we were like "ehh, what could go wrong during the show...we'll be fine...." Wow, Murphy's Law!! That was one for the books...."

Five Finger Death Punch Singer Punches Out Black Veil Brides

No punches have been thrown, I just like to spice up the headlines.

Apparently Five Finger Death Punch frontman Ivan Moody was checking out a bunch of porn sites one day and ran across a video of some pretty ugly chicks. Started jerking off and then realized those ugly chicks were actually ugly trannies. He decided to call out glam-rockers Black Veil Brides. In a couple of posts at his Facebook page, Moody commented on a YouTube video of Black Veil Brides by remarking, "I'll say it...YUCK!...Time for people to be 'REAL.' This sux."

Black Veil Brides has not responded to Moody's taunt.

The band already handled rejection at last week's Revolver Golden Gods awards, hurling insults at members of the booing audience as they accepted their third straight "Song Of The Year" award, this time for "In The End".

"In The End" is currently No. 14 on the Active Rock radio chart. The song is taken from Black Veil Brides' third album, "Wretched And Divine: The Story Of The Wild Ones".

Basically the most boring news TrueMetalhead ever delivered.

And here's the shemales' video:

Former Obituary Guitarist Busted for Running Meth Lab

Allen West gives the term Death Methal a new meaning. 
Former Obituary and Six Feet Under guitarist has been arrested in Lake Panasoffkee, Florida for methamphetamine production and possession.

Not the brightest thing to do, but it gets even dumber, as the paranoid dude called 911 to report that two males broke into his house" reports Tri-County Suntimes, "the deputies met with the property owner Allen West in a wooded area next to the residence, Allen West stated that two male subjects forcibly entered his house by kicking in the front door at which time he fled out the rear and hid in the woods.

As one of the deputies began to question West another deputy discovered some of the above items had been removed and placed in an “Igloo” cooler (one of the worst brand names of coolers Allen, get a Coleman - I'm a veteran camper). West advised the deputies that he hid the items in the cooler to avoid getting in trouble. He advised the items were not his stating “They were cooking it” without giving any other details. Allen West did confess that he had manufactured and smoked methamphetamine in his home as recently as two weeks ago.

The Special Investigations Squad responded and executed a search warrant. detectives discovered ammonium nitrate, sodium hydroxide (AKA “Drano”), a corrosive acid, lithium strips and other items commonly used to produce methamphetamine. The lab was dismantled by the Special Investigations Squad.

Richard Christie's Cartoon Series is so Juvenile, You'll Love it

With the right dose of bathroom humour, autotune and epic battles scenes, the talent of Richard Christie delivers another winner. This time a cartoon series called Majestic Loincloth that, as stated in the press release, is “for lovers of heavy metal viking rock opera homoerotic medieval animated musical cinema. Majestic Loincloth was created by Richard Christy with Chris Prynoski of Titmouse Animation (Metalocalypse).

They proudly claim that Majestic Loin is parhaps the dumbest cartoon ever made, and they're proud of that statement.

Check out the first three short episodes below.

Reggae Dub Cover of Burzum

It's only fitting that since Varg Vikernes recently stated that he does not play metal anymore that a non-metal cover of Burzum surfaces. Only catch is, this reggae dub cover probably sounds closer to metal than the non-metal Burzum.

It is actually fairly engaging if you ask me.

Check out “Det Som Engang Var” by the band called Ewigkeit.

As posed by MetalSucks

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