Apr 13, 2013

101 Rules of Black Metal

It is possible that this has been around since before the word "meme" begun to circulate, but some of you may need to be reminded about the rules.

1. Don't be gay.

2. Be "true".

3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.

4. Be grim.

5. Be necro.

6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.

7. Break things while being grim and necro.

8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.

9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.

10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...

11. ...Listen to Peccatum.

12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that
you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.

13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".

14. Don't be Dani Filth.

15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams,

16. Don't be Dani Filth.

17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too
metal to remove refuse.

18. Run for it!

19. Sodomize a virgin whore.

20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)

21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its
release... so it becomes 'cult'.

22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"

23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.

24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.

25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..

26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews
with bands no one has heard of, even "true"

27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.

28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15
adjectives in the title.

29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.

30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).

31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.

32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.

33. Don't make jokes.

34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.

35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.

36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't
hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".

37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are
"session" members.

38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are
imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP
won't get it.

39. Never play live.

40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other
people there are not going to the show to look at you.

41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both
"necro" and "grim".)

42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the
raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the
conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.

43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of
the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".

44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce
commercial success.

45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't
be "true".

46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also
have side projects.

47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as
"session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same

49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors
(color options allowed: grey, black, white).

50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word
"Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.

51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing
of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.

52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound
the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.

53. Never say "friggin".

54. Never finish anything you start.

55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting
someone "true".

56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".

57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross
and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.

58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology
"sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of

59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in
the middle of math class.

60. Accept every interview you're offered... then pretend that you really
don't enjoy being interviewed.

61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.

62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)

63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of
the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the
Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.

64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.

65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate
Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of
yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of
being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of
looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)

666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to
approximately 8 of them regularly.

67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not
"pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a
shotgun when she turns around).

68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet.
Single acceptable smiley: -(

69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it!

70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.

71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!

72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore

73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)

74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets
you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".

75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty
Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute...
It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"

76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.

77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!

78. That's better, on with the interview!

80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum
sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")

81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch
with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make
sense in conjunction.

82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.

83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.

84. Don't make references.

85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.

86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.

87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three
completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e.
Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical
Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer
to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".

88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black
metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to
be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.

89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some
gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)

90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.

91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.

92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.

93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?

94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.

95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but
also haven't even heard.

96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.

97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your
songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)

98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more
"cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on
the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)

99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.

100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up
that makeup and fight, soldier!

101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have
been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

(c) #LAPIO

Art by MD-Arts


Anonymous said...

58. L O L

Anonymous said...

Dario Sycco, if u got some free time could u pls write something about true metal vs poser metal and mainstream music in general... I know that it is a bit cliche but Id really like hear opinion on that topic from some1 like u :)

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