Sep 30, 2012

Top 7 wimpy metal bands based on vicious animal names

You wouldn't name a sports team The Pigeons or The Poodles, for the same reason you wouldn't name a metal band after a non-violent animal such as Pony or Budgie. Oh, wait...

Anyway, metal, by default is a brutal sport and band names tend to be reflective of the nature of the beast. You know that a band like Mastodon (an extinct mammut) isn't going to sound like The Byrds and Lamb of God won't be as poopy as a Flock of Seagulls. Oh, and who the hell names their band Kittie?

Some metal bands portray some fearsome creatures, but don't seem to have enough bite.
Let's dissect those things and see why a sheep in wolf's clothing is a bad idea in the metal world.

7. Def Leppard
You could spell it right, but you'd have to buy a vowel, but when you pour some sugar on it, you end up with a noxiously sweet crap that cannot ever be classified as metal. This cat lost it's teeth before the drummer lost his arm, somewhere in the mid 80s. Man, that logo looks so deceiving, huh? Looks like it could belong to a thrash band. Want some irony? Def Leppard fans in 2012 are mostly deaf cougars.


6. White Lion
Even those housewives who dug that shit in the late 80s claim to have forgotten all about power ballads to which your dad got laid to the first time, such as "Wait" or this monstrosity. (Can you believe this song came out in the 90s? The chick in the vid does have a nice ass though). White Lion is another castrated cat that never actually had the balls or the metal roar. Let's get one thing straight. The only large hair metal cat worthy of true metalhead's time is Steel Panther. End of story poseurs.


5. Ratt
You'd think that a band with a name of a rodent that everyone wants dead, would be as unpleasing to the masses as GWAR, (hey even WASP tried harder), but when you browse through the discography of this rat with an extra "T" (certainly not a testicle) you see Polygram's 80s special favourites like "Round and Round" and "Lay it Down". Aaaaarggghhh! Wimpy.


4. Scorpions
While never a monster of rock to be recon with, The Scorps have some real rockers in their archives, but somehow they shamelessly ended up with terrible poppy overtones in the 90s. Die Schei├če like the entire Eye II Eye album took their stinger away.


3. Pantera
Adding this band to this list may sound like heresy to a lot of readers, but the fact remains that the 80s version of Pantera was a different breed. While you can tell Dimebag guitar tone (not yet the style) was emerging, the rest is plainly shitty, including the vocals of the new addition to the band, Phil Enselmo, who sounds like a pissed off pre-schooler wanting a candy really bad. This era of Pantera is best forgotten, the beast certainly showed it's claws and fangs, but not until much later.


2. Eagles of Death Metal
A lot of irony, but no iron in this name. The most deceiving stoner rock band posing as metal. OK, telling us that the band is a quirky combination of the sound of The Eagles crossed with death metal could be funny for the non-metal fan, but c'mon, with songs like Cherry Cola, Eagles of Death Metal make Poison or Cinderella sound like a depressive black metal duo.


1. Tygers of Pan Tang
Admit it, if you're not an old schooler, and never heard of this band you might be tempted to envision them having some hairy balls, but when you play the first few seconds of the song Hideaway, you're treated to a choir of nuns, well, ok, they're dudes, but do not sound like Tygers of Pan Tang, but rather Shavers of Poontang.

(Post artwork by Ali-Tunc)


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